Why write a blog with its focus being on Fathers day? I can hear the comments…”Isn’t every day Fathers Day? What about Mothers Day? I’m sure some of my feminist friends might be less apt to sugar coat their comments but let’s leave that be for a moment. For now it’s my intention to bring some positive and necessary light on the critical role fathers can play in their families that ultimately can shape the men and women of tomorrow that can create a new narrative driven by healthy masculinity.
The Inclusionary leader and ally in training that I identify as, in being consistent with the essence of what BMM is about, wants to expand beyond the critical importance men need to play in the workplace but to where the real change…the necessary change can and needs to occur…is in their families . So for a moment let’s put the spotlight on the aspirational and much needed Father of today and tomorrow…because it’s sorely needed, and, in my honest opinion, is where it needs to start.
How fitting it is that in a “Fathers Day “ blog, that I choose to focus on the “critical importance of THE FATHER. I ask that you first consider, regardless of your gender as well as those of you who are gender nonconforming, contemplate if any of this makes sense to you in your own life.
Old school father
For many of us, myself included, the patriarchal father was the initial model of masculinity. For us that identify as male, we looked up to this man…the first man we would have a relationship with that would forever shape us as men. If he was stoic, that’s just the way he was and likely what was modeled for him. Even if he was an absent father or one we’d rather forget (and not emulate), we were affected by him and that’s important to consider as all of this plays out in life .
My father was the breadwinner, the provider. My mom for the most part raised us….with a strong sense of her own healthy masculinity. My dad expressed his emotions occasionally after a glass or two of wine. In my own life, I’ve emulated some of what he modeled and have evolved myself beyond his limitations to be the father that I am today. I freely experience my emotions and have encouraged my sons to do the same. I’m also aware that my role as a father with my daughter plays an important role for her…because in her own life how we interact shapes how she will interact with men in her workplace and in her personal life.
How did your father interact with you? How did he interact with your mother?
In most instances, patriarchy was the accepted norm. It was far more common than not to witness gender inequality in the home. This may not have been true in your home. It wasn’t in mine. My mom insisted on nothing less than being treated equally. I’ve had many conversations with men and women that grew up in homes where this was the case. I’ve also spoken to many people that had a fatherless upbringing, where the mother was the dual provider. And several folks witnessed the patriarchal model in full swing.
If your father wasn’t connected to his emotions, or he was a rager or emotionally unavailable, then these experiences of your father, whether you liked it or not, influenced you as men or women. (I speak about this more detail in my first book, Wake Up, Man Up, Step Up and I allude and correlate the same principles for men as allies to consider in Showing Up: How Men Can Become Effective Allies in the Workplace.
It’s my personal belief that much of the male behavior we see in our workplace, communities and families is a result of the influence of the FATHER. So why not consider a different model?
21st Century Father
Imagine a father that is emotionally literate and connected to his emotions. Imagine a father that is introspective, is vulnerable, and authentic. This father believes his daughter(s) can be anything they want to be and encourages them. This father models for his son healthy masculinity. He shares his feelingsand doesn’t stuff them. This father, if he is in a heteronormative relationship, treats his partner equally.
This father holds himself accountable for his words, choices, and actions, and their consequences, intended or not. This father does his emotional work, healing the past and being the example.
When I consider the potential results of this 21st Century Father, a few possibilities come to mind:
- Sons have a rock solid model of healthy masculinity to emulate.
- Because of how they witnessed their father treat their mother, they now have a healthy model of gender partnership.
- VIolence of any kind at the hands of men decreases or even becomes non-existent.
- Mental health of young men improves.
- These boys, on their way to becoming men, create the possibility for other boys to follow.
- These young men turn into inclusive leaders.
- These men become allies to women and marginalized groups.
- The world becomes a bit more safer.
- Daughters are encouraged early and often that they can pursue any career opportunities they want.
- Daughters have more confidence in themselves.
- Daughters experience a healthy relationship with their father that supports their eventual relationships with men when they are adults.
- Daughters begin to feel a bit more safe in the world.
In summary, we are long overdue for a changing narrative, led by men who have the power to create a safer, more equitable world for everyone. It must start with them, which requires a desire to evolve, become responsible and to be true leaders. The only way this can happen is if more men are encouraged to be part of the solution, not the problem. I truly believe that there are lots of good men, wanting to be better, and the most powerful place to effect this type of change is on our families.
Men: take head in my words and ask yourself, “how do I want to be experienced in my family and what kind of lasting impact do I want to have as my legacy with my family?”
Women and marginalized folk: consider a man that you know in your life that it is safe to talk to and encourage and remind him of the power he has to affect change.
Then tell him “Happy Fathers Day”!
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